A tribute to my mom

Blink I had to think about something different I could add to this post out of the ones that I had already seen posted and there are alot. My mom passed away from advanced liver disease in 2011. I miss her so very much. The reason I am going to tribute this to her memory is because my mother was legally blind for most of her life. She wasn’t born that way but she went head first into the windshield of a car in an accident that resulted in her losing her eyesight in one eye and developed glaucoma as well. Later she developed a cataract in her other “good eye,” when they removed it, they also cut her cornea and she was blind then in both of her eyes. Here is a poem that I wrote in my creative writing class in 2015 in her memory.

She looked but could not see, that which was right in front of her. It always seemed she had childlike behavior but on the inside she was crying out for someone to just understand. I watched and took care of her, always reaching for her hand.

I remember the days when she was happy and now so does she. I think sometimes, that’s all she can see. She talks about those days as if it were yesterday. You can taste the bitterness and feel the naked scarred reflection of what those pair of eyes had taken from her, she doesn’t shed not one tear. All she does is look away and stare, stare, stare.

I want to make her feel better because she is my mother, that part makes it even harder because I don’t know what to say. So we just sit there in silence and I also look away.

There were often times she became overly dependent and totally incapable of doing anything for herself. I would always tell her, “no, you can’t do that. There are others that learn to live that way.” She would refuse my help, becoming angry; “I can’t,” she would often say.

Years were passing by as they often do. And what happened today will soon be forgotten as it’s just another day. She’s getting older and her independence has been taken away. All she does is lay there day after day. I came to take her out for a ride and she says, “I wish I had listened to you.” But it’s too late now, there’s nothing I can do.

My brother comes to visit her and as he walks away, he’s taking photos to remember her on that day. He calls me out of the blue as he asks, “why does she look so yellow?” I said, “I had noticed, my heads been such a fuzz.” I had seen her every day and wasn’t sure that she was.

As I thought about how much time I had spent with her that I just couldn’t see, she was getting sicker and sicker right in front of me. When her final days were approaching, she was moved yet to another home. “Like and animal” she said she had felt, she just wanted a place to roam.

Hearing her say those things to me was like a needle in my heart, it would poke. Deep feelings and emotions grew that I never thought to feel or would ever be evoked. Many times I wished I could do more, almost making me sick. Did I do my best to give her rest, I would often ponder. Until the days turned into hour after hour.

I alone had to hear that she didn’t have much time left. It all came to be unexpected. Why had there been no warning, I felt so damned conflicted. My air was cutting off at the mere thoughts of her being gone, blood flow to my heart were restricted. So many times I would have thoughts about the days of brushing her hair or rubbing her feet. Memories are soon all I’ll have but pain I will surely meet.

Finally, the day came and soon she fell into a deep sleep. It’s taking her away from me and all I can do is weep. I can’t understand how, when, or why? But soon she’ll have a pair of wings and then she’ll just fly. She’s gone now and I am trying to find the right words to say. You are free now and have a new pair of eyes to use to look down on me.

I said, “what you see now is beautiful I’m sure, for only you deserve the very best, because you had a heart that was so pure.”

In memory of my momma Loretta Frazier always in my heart

Loretta G.

 

 

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